Divorcing

Divorcing is easier said than done, even when you WANT to get rid of “him”.  Your feelings of self-esteem plummet….even if you were the dumper and he the “dumpee”.  Was I not good enough for this person to have stayed married? What part did I play in the breakup of the marriage? The reasons for the divorce are no longer even important. The fact that the divorce occurred is evidence enough that BOTH of us are the losers.

Will there be a new person out there for me when I am free? Do I even WANT someone else after this? I’ve messed up before, what makes me think that I will make a better choice the next time? Everybody puts forth their best foot at the beginning of a relationship so it is hard to tell if this person is really the best fit.  I have heard that “infatuation” lasts a little under a year…so you have to wait this long to see the REAL person?

I know that I should be concentrating on just being “me”…and finding someone else shouldn’t be an issue right now.  However, I don’t want to grow old without a partner. I cannot pretend that I don’t want someone else.I want someone to come home to at the end of the day.  Someone to share my bedroom. Someone to share the rest of their life with me.  My daughters will marry and make their own lives and where will I be?

So what to do until Prince Charming comes along?  Go out and do fun stuff, get my mind off of me and my problems? Live Life and stop looking “in all the wrong places” or in ANY places and just go about the business of living?

EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!!

 

 

Fun in the Summer

I have started the ball rolling and the CHANGES are in place.  My last blog was about needing to make changes.  Since then, I have lost 24 pounds, and I have filed for divorce. Life has changed so much! I have tried to not get in a rut, but grieving has a way of immobilizing you until you’ve had ENOUGH…I am ready to branch out a little, here and there.

I am planning on doing more things with my girls, by myself, or with friends.  I even went out on a yacht on the ocean with a coworker (and about 50 other people)! I’ve never been out on the ocean, seeing as I can’t swim (note to self: learn how to swim!).  I attended a beach event where another coworker’s band (he’s a drummer) was playing.  I had alot of fun.  I went to the movies (rarely go) to see Captain America, the last Harry Potter movie (moment of silence, please)….

I know these things might not seem much, but for me, who is a homebody and doesn’t like to go places, these are HUGE accomplishments! I plan on doing more of this in the future, and am looking forward to it!

I watched a movie yesterday, Julia and Julie…about a girl who blogged about cooking recipes from Julia Child’s cookbook.  Maybe I can do the same thing?  As in: Go different places, take pictures, and blog!  This will definately help me get out of the house more often if I can blog about it!  Will think on this and get back to you!

I was doing PROJECT 365…where I took a picture a day, uploaded it and blogged about it.  When I started getting stressed about the ending of my marriage, the project fell by the wayside.  It got to be too much.  I will definately pick it up again…i might upload just my favorite pics from the days that I missed so I don’t get overwhelmed.

take care and see you soon!

CHANGES….nothing more than CHANGES

My life is due for some changes.  Some have happened already….others I am in the process of implementing…..and still others are still in the planning stages!  Why does it take so long to make changes…even if they are for the better?  I am discontinuing old traditions, incorporating brand new ones.  It feels liberating, although a little scary and challenging.  Some are actually thrust upon me while others take a long time in coming! Some are unclear and still need further digesting.  Some are crystal clear but I don’t want to take the step. Others are Murky and I want to clear them up and make things good.

I’m not sure how I am going to go about making my life the best it can be.  I am seeing that what I thought was black and white is actually many shades of gray! And even within the gray there is still room for negotiation!  If I don’t like one answer, keep searching til the right one appears!

The changes that are coming will be to make ME happy! I am always worried about what OTHERS  are or are not doing that I don’t focus on what I would like to happen in my life.   Well, that is a thing of the past.  I am definately aware of what i WANT and what i DON’T want in my life…..beware….all things that are not serving my purposes….here comes the chopping block!!!

Update

So things have changed…yet again…..  I was thinking that things would get better in my life but I see that they are not.  The only avenue open to me was to “detach” from what was causing conflict in my life.  Interesting how putting some distance really helps to clarify what it is you want to do in your life.

One thing i DON’T want to do is waste any more time on something that isn’t going to work.  I’ve been hanging on, waiting to see if things would fix themselves, but I can see I am waiting in vain.  I need to step back and let things run their course, and not hinder the inevitable.

Ever since I made this decision, I feel so RELIEVED….so AT PEACE….so FREE of any expectations.

DONE!

Ok….I am SOOOOOOOOOOO done with being overweight, not toned, exhausted all the time, emotional, forgetful, you name it, i’m it! i need to make changes because my life is NOT working the way it is.  Dye my hair? cut and style it….exercise, walk, do SOMETHING! I am so tired of the rut i’ve been in for the last few years.